Thursday, February 16, 2017

A "Walk In The Park"... "Street-Preaching Style"

Been a while, been a while, been a while since I've "updated" this ol' "blog"...

Lots been goin' on in mi "personal life". Been busy...

Today's been an "okay" day. Had better. 'Course I gotta "own it" and take responsibility for it.

I'm here inside the library, having just come out from a brief stroll and "break" outside in Cliff Tuttle Park.

Mind's been a mess lately and I need to think things through clearly before I do stupid things and make foolish mistakes and decisions I'll regret later. It ain't "perfect" though I like to think I am. I'm "human".


Been "at odds" with God lately, I thank Him I almost had the urge to "curse Him" and "throw around" His Word like I've done previously when I was "fed up" with my personal drama going on and taking it out on Him.

Yeah, I regret it but it is what it is. I can't take it back or act like it "never happened" lol. I don't have to "share this with the whole" it could have been me and God's "lil' secret" but so what?

I don't care what anyone thinks.

By that I mean I don't allow anyone's "outside opinion" or thoughts override MY ACTIONS. I'm gonna do what I'm gonna do regardless and nobody's gonna stop me save God Himself lol.

But really, "actions" good and bad have CONSEQUENCES so for my own tall, slim, lean(gotta "buff up" someday) black behind  I gotta make the "right moves".

Smh... out there. Been quiet for a while.

My "street-preaching" ministry outdoors has been DORMAT for nearly a few weeks now.

I only got in a good few minutes witnessing the Word by the side of the road exit to the freeway a little over 3:50p.m. today. The Spirit told me to stop by the time the clock hit 4:02p.m.

Typing this at 4:27p.m.


Looking back over all the busiest and utter craziness that has got me to this point is like taking in a big *HOW THE "F" DID I GET HERE?!* surreal moment.

It's insane. Or maybe that's just me, haha.

Either way, it's been a gruesome and good experience.

'Course a lot of it I gotta blame on myself cuz I've been angry, mean and contemptuous at times towards people who got on my nerves or didn't. Just had to "vent frustration".

Overall, it's a "love-hate" relationship with people; but then it dawned on me:

I'm just a self-centered a-hole who doesn't want to be bothered with too many people's inconveniences.

Not like I don't "care" about folks but I just don't want to be bothered or "inconvenience" by some folks stupid problems and issues. I got my own to deal with! Lol

Besides... and women, oh God, don't let me go there!

Yeah, well, as a "Christian" I can't do the "heathen's ways" and all but that flesh nature is there.

I'm surprised I haven't given into LUST too greatly as I used to in my "porn-watching" days in my teens. Not a good place, but in a way it was for me for my "mental purposes" lol. I wasn't the wanking loser who just "got off" on that stuff and didn't learn a thing or two lol.

Besides I liked the videos when the men and women were actually really into it and "had fun"; you could tell they enjoyed what they were doing. And boy, did I enjoy watching them enjoy themselves. Haha!

Interesting what one can learn and discover from "curiosity". It killed the cat but it fueled my exploration and motivation lol.

Yeah, there's many pretty young women around this tall, dark 'n handsome thing could let his primitive "predatory urges" take the fore but I've made a "commitment to Christ" in being one of His Servants and trying to "represent Him" on earth: a job I do good sometimes and real bad a lot. All by HIS GRACE though; it's never me to represent Him correctly.

__________________________

I've grown a lot more "cold" and "calloused" in my "heart" towards people in general even though I still care and be "concerned" for people.

I pick and choose who I deal with a lot of the times now. I don't waste my time with people who ain't worth bothering with or I can't be a help or service to.

They could say the same about me but then again, they don't know me like *I DON'T KNOW THEM!*.

Ah, the dilemma.

Smh lol but it's really pathetic, pitiful and unflattering (at least that's what I perceive it; I see it how it is):

A lot of women I notice in the corner of my eyes as I walk about I see them in my peripheral vision as they look through their vehicles' windows at me unbeknownst to the man they're with be it boyfriend, husband, whatever, I notice and don't like it at all. They'd cheat on their man with me if I really "pushed it" and "went that way" but I know way better than to do that...

These women "eyeing" me from the distance from the safety of their fall-walled vehicles know they can't get close to me in person lol (don't want them to even) so they STEAL furtive hypergamous glances and stares at me from the distance.

It's not at all about "love", "concern" or actual "empathy" lol.

It's all primal, instinctive hypergamous sexual attraction instincts driving their behaviour it's not "looks" of "concern", "care" or "empathy". It's about sexual marketplace strategy lol.

Boy, could I tell some stories but because I respect the "anonymity" of people I won't use actual people's names unless appropriate and with their permission.


Unless they cross a public line with me in public publicly attempting to "humiliate", "criticize" and "wrong" me unfairly and without merit I won't take issue and respect other people's "rights of privacy" with me as I'm a very "private person" by nature even so I very mutually understand here

Live and let live.

Believe me (or not to your own demise), I ain't a "good person" you'd really "care about" if you knew the real EVIL ME! And I really like "evil me" cuz he's good fun at his best; even some people might like him.

If you're honest and didn't care to admit you'd probably say the same thing or something similar about yourself as if we're talking "good" in the Sight of the Lord. Lol.

I have my real "good qualities" and do empathize, care and love people genuinely even if I may "hate" them genuinely too. I don't let "hate" not cause me to still keep company, like and hang with people. Otherwise I'd just move on and leave that person or people alone and do my own thing without having that "hate" on my mind. Life's large.

I have loyalty and compassion. I have the "good along with the bad" but I'm not really the "betrayal-type" personally. I'm of the attitude "no-man-left-behind" mentality on the good side.

So... to my CONTEMPT and disgust I brush these stupid superficial "glances" to the side and see them for what they are: mere pure physical instinctive sexual attraction. Nothing more, nothing less.

Even so, I always knew deep down most women are "flaky" and can't take the heat.

It's one of those "double-edged" swords.

I expect them to "flake out" in certain situations in a "feminine manner" as accustomed to women, and if a woman doesn't "flake" and let the man "take the heat" I feel my pride dampened and disrespected. I don't allow that.

In fact I get "pissed" if a woman doesn't "flake out" and be a "victim"; cuz I don't get to "play hero" and be the "good, strong one" to "save the day" lol. Yeah right!

I want to die without pity or "remorse". Call me "cold-hearted", cruel and ruthless. I don't care. And besides, I think they got it wrong!: it ain't "cold-hearted" but *HOT-HEARTED* that burns down to the lowest hell. I already know I'm gonna die and I have to be ready for the time to come however it does and I ain't gonna be "scared" or "frightened" about it; but be about His Business 'til time's up.

I'd have some in mind if I was going to be "married" and all and follow God's Script. Yeah...

I have to be HONEST with people, cuz I'm honest foremost only with GOD and myself: I'm an ARROGANT, PRIDEFUL, HATEFUL and UNLOVABLE PERSON at heart even though I can be "lovable" at the same time in some ways. I just am lol.

I used to be "ashamed" of this fact but as the heathen say "F that!" I ain't gonna let NOBODY make me feel "bad" about ME. F that crap, shoot. I'm the one that's gotta "live with myself" and why care what someone thinks who isn't in my life? Duh? Are THEY in MY SHOES?! I don't think so!

I'm  gonna do what works for me.

Neither am I in YOUR SHOES, so what have you. I don't know your life. I don't know you, but I PRAY for you.

So, bringing this to a close, I want to change some things in my personal life and ministry of the Lord but I'm "impatient" with it. I want to "force" some things along that I think I can push.

I ain't where I what to be regardless of what anyone else thinks or feels. It's all about ME. I mean, oops, I, I, I is sorry I mean it's all about HIM! lol.

Yeah, I'll serve "God" but I gotta serve me as well. God Wins in the end anyways. I gotta watch out for "Numero Uno" I mean, God lol!

Okay, fine, whatever, I'll "reprove myself" before I give anyone else the chance to do so: to *GOD* be *HIS GLORY*. Yeah, whatever...

I haven't been "obedient to Him" cuz of my wicked PRIDE. My worst sin besides my "sin weakness" of wicked, evil thoughts and imaginations.  Yeah, people can really tell the "hatred" and "malice" they see in my wicked heart when I look them directly in the eyes in my wicked sin.

I only blink away to "save face" and avoid personal shame but even then I don't care what they think, I'll let them see my evil, devilish cold-hearted stare forever for all I care. I look away to avoid making THEM nervous and bothered; I ain't affected by my pride and wrath.

Again, I ain't gonna get all "emotional" and "cutesy" here cuz it makes me feel weak, effeminate and "silly". Find some other loser to do that stuff for you. I won't; unless I'm in the mood at it "works out" that way lol.

Sometimes if I'm in the "mood" folks see my "good, happy cheery side" but that's only if it's warranted or "earned" by them. I don't give myself fully. You have to EARN my goodness.

Call me a "bastard" I don't care. Call me every wicked "name" in the book. I don't care.

Also, another thing I got that's evil is my very, evil WICKED TONGUE I could use to inflict much personal damage and hurt on people. By His Grace I use sparingly or keep it "shut".

Whether you know it or not, I'm quite the "comedian" when I want to be. I got a lot of "good jokes".

By "good" I mean "inappropriate" and carnal the stuff that makes people really laugh whether they admit it or not. I know how to "tone it down" and "use tact" when appropriate and proper too.

In fact I had A LOT of good comedic material typed up in my computer documents I had to delete when the Lord brought me to the realization Satan was trying to use me as his Hollywood "puppet" by my desire for "acknowledgment" of achievement, power and fame in the world.

I know what's "good to say" to make folks yipper and yamper and I know what's "too far" that hits below the belt personally deep, cutting rude 'n crude to people.

It's too easy to "offend people" since most people are mostly emotional or let their "feelings" get them worked over. Not me however.

Nobody could ever tell me something at this point that would hurt me so "deeply" that I'd cringe up and die.

People who  try to use the "family and friends" angles to "get at mi feelings lol" will be rudely disappointed. That don't work on me.

I only "defend" the honour and integrity of my family and friends when people cowardly try to use them to "get to me" indirectly and "hurt me personally" in some way or fashion. They'd be sorely disappointed indeed.

You know why? I'll tell you: I may be "hurt" at the worst by somebody "talking crap" and insulting me but it doesn't bother me. ONLY a PHYSICAL ATTACK could "hurt" my person, but words and "talkin s**t" don't hurt me. I expect it. I THRIVE ON IT!

I like to insult and "belittle" people if they start stuff with me first. It's fun for me. I'd only stop if the other party is getting "weak".

In life I play "humble, quiet duck" be polite and "kind" for the most part and not "mean" when it's not warranted just to be a "jerk" and nobody at first would expect this at first unless I tell them like I am now, but if anyone dares to "try me on" and "mess with me" in public and they are strong and healthy and "look like" they can "handle this"; I only promise no "pretty sight". I fight to win but even if I "lose" I win by the DAMAGE I CREATE!Can't promise "love" or "mercy" 100% but I promise *PAIN* lol! Yeah, I promise YOUR PAIN 100%!

'Course after damage is done and all, I temporarily feel like a "a-hole" for wrecking up some dumb person taking me on who I know can't handle me and suffering the natural consequences of their stupidity and foolish decision.

I don't really get a "high" off of defeating a lower-level opponent I must beat people above my level for true self-gratification. That way I have no regrets and no restraint. I go "easy" on a lot of people cuz it'd simply be a stupid choice and utter waste of time on my part if I end up in a worthless dumb fight killing someone for nothing at the worst-case scenario.

I don't like to "think it" but I actually do and would but I have NO PROBLEM with "killing" someone. I have that "killer instinct" and I'm not ashamed of it. I'm proud of it.

As a Christian, "murder" is wrong, and even if I was a soldier in time of war, cuz I know war is coming up in the years ahead in this world with what's going on in the world. It's unavoidable unfortunately. I hate it and so many people are going to be "blindsided" so I have to do my part and "spill the beans" and way some folks up.

BLOODSHED is coming one way or another as those who know the Scriptures realize.

Lord Knows I would not have the slightest hesitation to kill off anyone I had to if given the "reason to" like if I was a solder in the U.S. military because I am personally "detached" from the effects.

Because of this, I wouldn't just "kill" anyone for "anything"; that's pretty dumb and pointless. I value life. I value human life.

No one can "test me" in the regard because I know how deep down brutal and RUTHLESS I really am when I want to: it's the AFTER-EFFECTS I'm concerned with. I don't really, ideally want to "destroy people's lives" I never would have even had anything to do with from having met them.

I don't want that on my conscience and my heart. I want to remain "pure-hearted" from shedding human blood. It's too easy to kill life. It really is.

And besides, I NEVER don't like to do something I don't ever feel "justified" in doing.

For instance, if I got in a fight with some guy I meet in day-to-day life like this group of punks I met one Wednesday night over some trivial nonsense trash-talking and I killed him in a physical fight; I'd feel "awful" I took his earthly life, especially if he was an unsaved person. It means I sent him to Hell literally, a "sin" of mine I could never really forgive myself for.

I mean, I would have no problem with "physically" taking a person's earthly life if I simply felt "justified" in doing so; it's just the actual reality KNOWLEDGE of knowing I killed an "unsaved person" who died without being saved by Christ and ending up in ETERNAL HELL as a result is the ONLY THING that would really "bother my conscience". I could get over anything else eventually over little or no time but the reality I took a life that would end up in Hell ETERNALLY is what would "haunt" me a little.

If I was in "David's shoes" when he took down Goliath with the sling shot and stone and cut his head off with a sword; I'm pretty sure I'm do some similarly with CHEER even! The only thing that would upset me is knowing this poor, lumbering, ignorant giant died unsaved with Salvation knowing Christ. That'd be the only thing to "bother my conscience" besides that I'd laugh him off as a big GIANT FOOL!

If I had the chance to kill a brutal world "dictator" out there or any "unsavory person" people hate, despise and want dead (and usually for good reason) then I'd be first in line willing to do the "killing" cuz I'm gonna feel JUSTIFIED for killing such a scumbag monster everyone else hates and wants dead anyways (whether they admit it or not; they don't have to. I know...). Might as well become the "hero" who killed off evil tyrant who made people's lives Hell and gain personal gain in the process, no? My only "first and second thoughts" would be of course if I killed an unsaved person and also the person's family and friends. I really don't want to "break the hearts" of a father and mother who had their child "killed" and taken away from them. That's an evil I take no pleasure in, really.

If I killed somebody in a serious situation it'd only be my "detached offence" that that one person dealt with me; I'm not wanting to hurt the family and friends of said person killed, but I know it's the unfortunate, no-way-around natural consequences of the actions. It ain't nothing "personal" at all coming from me of people I've never met or known but I'd expect "revenge motivations" to come from some of the family and friends of the person killed; and then I'd take it personal if they come at me trying to kill me for revenge.

In my eyes, I only dealt with someone starting mess with ME. Nothing to do with anyone else. But if folks want to "involve themselves" in my situation when I didn't do them no wrong directly to THEM then I take it personal.

I see it from their perspective I took one of their "loved ones" away as why they feel it to be "personal"; so more drama occurs until they can hopefully (for THEIR sake) kill me themselves. Not for my sake.

I don't like to hold back and take it "easy on people" when it comes to "fighting". I pardon kids and people with disabilities who can't defend themselves.

But able-bodied, strong, healthy-looking adults are fair game.

I'm good with "taking life" but I don't want to take people to Hell as a result if you get what I mean.

Ideally, obviously  of course it's not even "holy" or "pure" or "good" to "take life" cuz I'm a Christian who's supposed to be about LOVE, PEACE and all this "JOY OF THE HOLY GHOST stuff" lol Hahaha. But I could go there... I really could. I'd hate the "monster" I'd become as a result because that's not the kind of life I want but it's there. Always was and perhaps always will be...

Call it "evil" or "wicked" but I'd rather end up killing a fellow "brother" or "sister in Christ" who I know is going to Heaven than kill someone unsaved I know will end up in Hell. Sure it's a disgrace and a "dishonor" to say such a thing but it is what it is I won't "back down" from saying it. I'd "repent" feel bad but with the "knowledge of" so-and-so is in Heaven now; so I wouldn't dwell too much on it all the time.

Hey, at least I'd try to make it as "painless and quick" in my ability as possible. I don't ever get thrilled in people's suffering unless I really feel justified for good reason. Killing a fellow brother or sister in Christ I wouldn't get that; it'd have to be a quick, smooth, dispassionate kill with as less pain as possible. Perhaps "pleasure" even.

Now, ideally, truth of the matter is, as "Christians" the Lord Jesus Christ does NOT ever want any of His people to "shed blood" innocent or not in life. Jesus doesn't want Christians to "kill people" in actual physical "warfare". We wrestle not against "flesh and blood" but over "principalities, and spiritual wickedness in high places".

In this respect the proper Christian response I and other believers must take is to "humble ourselves" and we can physically defend ourselves by blocking physical hits or running away for cover but not to physically "attack back" our attackers as instincts would have us.

It is the case God wants us to "lay down own lives in perfect non-violence" so that He can be our Protector and Saviour.

Our deaths as Christians are His witnesses to those unsaved seeing His Example in the flesh to be brought to the Salvation of Jesus Christ.

I'm "okay" with someone "taking my life" cuz I know I'm going to Heaven so it doesn't personally-bother me if someone eventual kills me down the road. Just would piss me off if I'm busy doing something or interrupted lol! Just means I perhaps "F'd up God's Plan" on my life and perhaps died before my time and didn't fully accomplish His Will the Way He would of ideally liked. But I'd get over it, cuz it's not like I'd be the first on that same boat. Joining "company" lol. It just concerns me if I had ended up killing someone who "wants to live" and "fears death". I really wouldn't like to kill people with that "fearful instinct"; I have MERCY on the weak and defenseless because they are weak and defenseless; they can't fight back at someone who means them harm that can fight. They mean no harm and are no threat. I'm not that kind of pathetic "bully". In fact, I'd be first in line to "bully the bullies" that "prey" on weak targets. Not when I'm around imao...

I kind of have a "personal honor" code to these matters of life-and-death.  

Lol. I don't "fear death" folks, I fear HELL and rightfully so as any SANE THINKING HUMAN-BEING SHOULD! I simply don't want to end up in Hell when I die in my physical body.

Since Heaven and Hell exists in the "Afterlife" and a "God" exists it makes since for the reasonable, rational-thinking person to choose GOING TO HEAVEN BY FAITH ON LORD JESUS CHRIST rather than ending up in *HELL* and burning forever in tortuous, fiery wrath. You can't do NOTHIN' to "save yourself" in Hell people. It's all PAIN.

Lol. People can call me a "coward" for not wanting to end up in Hell (WITH THEM! just to "prove" their point), even though that's where I deserve to go. But in reality it's called BEING SMART you STUPID PEOPLE who think otherwise! I ain't following you poor sad suckers into the abyss. I love you enough not to wish HELL on you; I mean REAL HELL on ANYBODY. It's ETERNAL!

Can any one of our earthly, finite minds truly comprehend what "eternity" really means?! It's not "human forever" it's true "forever" that means FOREVER! NO CHANGE! NO HOPE! NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO END YOUR MISERY!

As the heathen saith, "You're F'ed!" and you really are if you end up there unfortunately.

I HATE to think and reflect over such thoughts but I make it a personal principal to live in the REALITY of life. Someone has to; at least for the "common good" of humanity.

Even the Wicked Antichrist himself condemned as he is shouldn't and wouldn't really want to "end up in the Lake of Fire".

I'm prideful as Satan (perhaps the Antichrist) himself but even I know when to "call it quits" and not to go "over my bounds" and "tempt" GOD HIMSELF.

Nobody in the Bible EVER "beat God" on ANYTHING!

Even if my own wicked heart likes to entertain the wicked thought God would "excuse" me as a precious special little snowflake, I know deep down, dust I am, am just DUST and nothing more. Who am I to "contend with God"? How could I "win against God"? lol

Only the insanity of humanity could dare think to "beat God" Creator of all... Smh.

You best believe I trusted on JESUS CHRIST the SON OF GOD for SALVATION and if anything else, if anyone reading this ends up in Hell; can be sure I'm not joining you down there.

It's already a full house down there lol. But I ain't really "laughing"; sardonic "joke" as it is. I don't "joke" about "Hell" or no; quite the contrary. I take HELL VERY SERIOUSLY more than I take HEAVEN seriously. Cuz "Hell" is all BAD NEWS!

I'll be in HEAVEN; you just make your estate Above. It's what God wants and it's really for your own skin than anything else.

Lord Jesus Christ died for us truly worthless sinners in actuality and as "prideful" as I am I must give the *GOD-MAN* His Due Credit cuz He PROVED HIS LOVE OF WHO HE IS to "worthless beings" He had nothing to prove.

All about US, not about HIM. Christ died for US; not for His Sake, but OURS.

That's the TRUE PURE GOOD HOLY SELFLESSNESS the human mind cannot even begin to fathom...

I can't understand it. I'm probably not supposed to.

How can a mortal human-being understand an "Eternal God"? It's impossible without God's Involvement to begin with.

I'll never attain or understand that here on earth; even if I become better than what I am.

I ain't going to Hell for "daddy, mommy, brother, sister" anybody, NO FAMILY OR FRIENDS. I love and will protect them to death but I ain't following anyone down to Hell. That's for sure.

You should do the same. I'll respect you more for it.

 I won't respect you if you hearing all this, go back to a life of "denial of reality" and end up in Hell for your stubborn rebellious unbelief in saying and thinking "there is no God".

Let this go in the history books: Jed Mask said, "THERE IS A GOD AND LORD JESUS CHRIST IS HIS SON!" and it is so and always was and always will be. Amen.

~ Bro. Jed 

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